College Douchebags

College year of the douchebag

The term Dzdouchebagdz generally refers to a male with a certain combination of obnoxious characteristics related to attitude, social ineptitude, public behavior, or outward presentation.

Basically, college guys.

I firmly believe that for every nice guy on Earth, there are 50 jerks to balance out the ratio.

I mean, douchebags aren’t bad people don’t get me wrong, they are just not me, or you, or the non douchebag. They just need love, affection and helpful suggestions.

Besides a huge new network of sorority girls and undergrads and the freedom to butt chug, college offers an opportunity to reinvent yourself. For many an awkward labeled high school kid, the first day on campus is a chance to re-introduce themselves to the world.

In most cases, we meet the douchebag.

Grab a pencil and take notes, this is an important lesson on the 7 Types of Douchebags You Meet in College.

Number one. Freshman R.A. There’s a new sheriff in town and at 22-years-old, he guards the second floor of Whitney Hall in weird school spirit shirt and a pair of worn Crocs and still expects to be taken seriously. When it comes to spotting red cups, and loud music, this guy knows he is the designated party police. If you think that blasting DzGet out of your Minddz is a major violation of quiet hours, you may be right. But so what? Go away and let us have our fun douchebag. When he’s not on pornhub.com in his over-sized dorm suite, he’s sniffing out the smell of a bong hit through the halls. I mean come on dude, either watch your porn, or smoke a bowl yourself. If there’s one thing this asthmatic virgin knows how to do, it’s regulate, oh and to be a douchebag.

Number two. The number one fan. There’s something about outrageous tuition costs that creates an unyielding devotion to college sports teams, especially for the jackass douchebag full of school spirit. Look, your college is already charging you $100K for a worthless bachelor’s degree, don’t degrade yourself further by sporting a neon body suite in the bleachers and screaming weird chants the players cant hear. Relax douchebag; you’ll get laid after by one of the cheerleaders doing annoying kicks on the field. There’s nothing more pathetic than being a groupie for teenage, amateur athletes. Get a grip, weird boy.

Number three. Frat so hard douchebag. Announcement: Before you rush a fraternity for philanthropic and shot gunning reasons, understand that you’ll spend a semester getting hazed by a college senior who’s two or three internships away from landing their first entry level job. Cleaning the vomit-soaked toilet at the Pike house with a toothbrush is hardly worth an invite to the Theta formal. Having a membership at Cal Sun, and a passion for dub step remixes are not a thing, yup, you’re a douchebag. Also, chubby shorts don’t always have to be paired with boat shoes. You’re in college now. Think outside of the box.

Number four. Freaky college bar bouncer. We get it, you sit there all day, make drinks for me and all my blacked out friends, and yet, you’re still the douchebag. Let me remind you, you are the one checking my ID, not vise-versa. The bar floors are sticky, the drinks are watered down, and the air is permeated with Axe body spray and petrified vomit. So next time your sitting on that barstool, checking my proof of identification, maybe you shouldn’t be such a huge douchebag.

Number five. We get it, you party. There’s a thin line between being a fun drunk and acting like an extra in a Ke$ha video. And that line is typically crossed while chasing a Xanax bar with a plastic bottle of burnettes. You like to party, we get it. After some black out drunk texting and a trip to the corner burrito store, you’ll vomit in a hamper and pass out. In the morning, all you’ll have to show for yourself is a shattered iPhone screen and the sad realization that you’re an, are you ready for it, an enormous douchebag.

Number six. Over exaggerate campus tour guide. Just because you know the origin of that oddly shaped tree doesn’t give you the right to be a douchebag to your army of future undergrads. The campus tour guide pounds a four-pack of Red Bull and tries to sell the college experience with weird jokes and landmarks that nobody cares about, I mean come on, where’s Greek Row? After some lame team building activities and a few made up stories about campus life, you’re still a douchebag.

Number seven. The lightweight. Woah, I don’t even want to begin because this is an automatic douchebag red flag. If one goes into college with 18 year’s worth of 8 p.m. curfews and nightly breathalyzers from their overbearing parents, all it takes is a few unsupervised nights in the dorm to turn the captain of the math team into a college delinquent.

Number eight. Too cool for school. You barely even see the douchebag. Short of coming to class for the syllabus, tests and quizzes, this idiot is busy doing something supercool like tweeting about how he’s too cool to go to class, or just sitting on his couch playing some odd Dzman cavedz type game. He’s as much of a waste of time as the time he wastes people, promise.

Number nine. The athlete. Ugh, already annoyed? Same. The Athlete, to put it plainly, is fine with a capital F The ones who get up early and take a shirtless (hopefully) jog are the douchebag athletes. Remember, His eye is on the prize – that end of senior year recruitment deal is from the NFL, NBA or MLB. Not on you.

There you have it, beware of the douchebags.