Mark Twain did it. Henry Ford did it. Johnny Unitas did it, too. So did Burt Reynolds, Wayne Newton, Donald Trump, Jose Canseco, and MC Hammer. Even George Jefferson did it when, after “moving on up,” he started moving back down. Millions and millions of people have done it. So why can’t I?
What all these guys did, what I can’t do, is file for bankruptcy. All of them made bad investments, borrowed too much money, and maybe spent too much too. But when the courts saw the drastic discrepancy between what they owed and what they were likely to earn, they interceded and worked out a deal that allowed them to pay only a fraction of their debts.
And what about me? I made a bad investment. I invested in myself and in the future of our education system, two lost causes in retrospect. I borrowed too much. The federal government was only too happy to subsidize my borrowing of significant sums for every year of graduate school. I spent too much. I went to study in another country in pursuit of my chosen career path, and traveled to still others in the effort to advance its cause. But what did it all come to in the end? A whole lotta nothin’.
Actually, far less than nothing. I wish it was nothing. But, no, my hard work and determination and years of sacrifice came to -$62,000, -$77,000 with the collection agency’s punitive penalties. And who hired the collection agency? The same federal government that was only too happy to subsidize the loans in the first place.
In the eyes of my government I’m sure my paltry five-digit debt looks like nothing. After all, that government itself is in debt well over $15 trillion. And to all those famous people I named above too, I’m sure my debt, equal to the amount which an unsuccessful stockbroker spends on a car, looks like a trifle. Well, maybe not to Mark Twain or Henry Ford, but there’s been a lot of inflation in the century since they went bankrupt. In any case, unlike the federal government, which doesn’t really seem to have to answer to anybody, and unlike the famous names on my list, who at some point earned oodles of cash, I am and have always been worth nothing.
Oh yeah, I’ve got an education…in philosophy. But philosophy factories that pay six-figures don’t seem to exist. In fact, no philosophy factories seem to exist at all. There are only universities, and they are cutting back on the humanities more and more. Besides, I failed my first dissertation defense anyway, and my funding and visa ran out before I was able to try again. So I didn’t even get the chance to impart to another generation of duped teenagers the worthless academic wisdom to which I’d devoted an entire decade. My hopes and dreams and ten years of studying and reading and writing 80 hours a week were dashed to pieces, along with my right to live in the place where, for eight years—most of my twenties—I’d called home.
And when I came back to America with my tail between my legs, devastated at having to abandon a ten-year project that was my plan for the future, did the federal government receive me with a friendly, “welcome back to the land of opportunity?” No. All they said was, “where’s our money?”
Where’s your money? It’s in the same place that your promises of success with hard work and education are, the same place that my happy and productive future is, the same place as your American Dream: the wonderful, magical fantasy world of Neverneverland.
No one’s going to give me those ten years of my life back. No one’s going to give me back the space in my brain that I spent years filling with what turns out to be completely useless information. And no one’s going to give you back your money. All I can do now is teach English part-time at an hourly rate, and the money I make from that I need for things like eating, and housing, and paying for gas and car insurance to get to my low-paying job. Oh, and health insurance that I won’t use and can’t afford. Just accept it, federal government, and let’s agree to a lower amount that I can reasonably afford. Don’t worry, you’ll never be as shafted by taking less as I have been by buying all your BS.
Johnny Unitas was too old to play football again. MC Hammer was too old to make cool music again. Burt Reynolds had a miraculous comeback, and George Jefferson had a minor one. Wayne Newton and Donald Trump sold their proverbial souls to make money again after they went bankrupt. Unfortunately, no one wants to buy mine. Unless, you do, federal government. I’ll sell you my soul for $77,000, what do you say? I’ll even sign in blood and everything. But I must warn you, it’s pretty well disillusioned, pretty well corrupted, and pretty much broken.
If that doesn’t work for you, how about you just let me declare bankruptcy like all those other schmucks that made some bad decisions and now have to live with them? After all, what is to me a tidal wave threatening to destroy my life is only a drop in the ocean of your own financial stupidity.
Bankruptcy for student loans, because we were our own bad investments.